Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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