either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
