Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
