Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
