Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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