did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
