I can't breathe out the right side of my face
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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