I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Boobs are out for the taking
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
