Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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