The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Welp...herpes.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
