What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Houston, we have a squirter
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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