It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
