Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
