my sisters under your porch take her home
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
