Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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