We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
