i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just found puke in my bra..
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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