Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
