my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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