Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
