Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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