Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
