Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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