I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
