And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have aggressive nipples.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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