it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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