mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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