Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
