There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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