dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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