just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
did i walk over a car last night?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
