Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
