Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
