did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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