Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
