I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
