He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
