My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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