I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
