I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
