how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
