god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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