Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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