i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
