i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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