I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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