Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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