I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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