Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
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Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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