Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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