i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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