you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
