I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
