she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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