I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
