Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
