Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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