You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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